Thursday, March 8, 2007


Lately I find myself thinking a lot about fluffers. Frankly I'm worried about them. I wonder how they're managing these days in the broad shadows of Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. The porn industry swears they no longer exist due to the magic of medicine, but that sounds like a corporate cover-up. It's hard to believe some pill can completely eliminate an entire workforce or community. Besides that, if you're a porn star, wouldn't you prefer a fluff, if for nothing else than aesthetics, over a bitter pill?

Maybe I'm wrong and they have been extinguished, but in case there are still a few stragglers out there in this world, I have a few ideas for how we might preserve and even help this species thrive again. To be honest, I'm shocked that no one has come up with the following vision.

Imagine this scene: You're a C-level executive in a multi-billion dollar, multi-national company. That alone is enough to stress and pit out over. In an hour you're slated to present to the shareholders, and the gist of the message is less than mediocre. On top of that, the investor relations team has completely botched the power point presentation and they're starting from scratch with the deadline looming large. Your confidence is shivering in the corner stall of the mens room and your swagger shit the bed in the morning staff meeting. You need to pull it together in a hurry, so you do what anyone in your shoes would do -- send an urgent outlook invite to the fluffer. Problem solved. After your "meeting" you stroll up to the podium, break the news, and the crowd eats the crow right out of your hands. And why wouldn't they? Your firm delivery instills nothing but confidence and enthusiasm. Later you send a Morton's gift card inside a "thank you" note to that fluffer because you are a leader who appreciates the hard work of those under you.

At my wife's work holiday party a few months ago, I bounced this concern off her colleagues. (She was so proud.) You might expect such a topic to be frowned upon by a bunch of professionals in a holiday party setting, but on the contrary it was well received, even by women. In fact, amidst cackles and applause, several of them offered up suggestions. One cat recommended fluffer temp agencies. Granted, if you're a senior partner at a prestigious law firm about to negotiate a major m&a deal, and your full time fluffer calls in sick, you might not be too thrilled when a temp fluffer rolls into your office. Another idea born at this party was the concept of adding the fluffer to an employment contract: $200k base salary, 100% bonus, company car, 401k, on-call fluffer. I've actually suggested this to my clients and they have not all hung up and fired me, yet...

Just writing about this, I'm getting excited. There will certainly be more to come on this. In the meantime, I need to hit Network Solutions to see if i can score a URL for the foundation I plan to launch. After all, any organization that lacks a website will never be taken seriously, right?

Back to the salt mines for now, as I have a night terror of a meeting ahead. Oh, if the future was now...

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